Without You
by Quibblez
Summary: Judai Is Forced To Go To Drastic Measures Whe The Only Good Thing In His Life Leaves... JudaixJohan JadenxJesse Contains: Suicide, Haou, Kissing and Angst
1. Chapter 1 No You're Gone

**Okay… This Is My Depressing Fanfic… Hope Y'all Like It!!!**

**Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Yu-Gi-Oh GX Or Any Of The Characters… If I Did Judai Would Be Very Feminine And Date Johan. **

**Pairing: JohanxJudai (JessexJaden)**

**Summary: Johan Leaves For Europe Not Realising How Distraught Judai Is. Causing The Brunette To Go To New Extremes. **

Judai waved as his lover sailed away, teas fell from his eyes as reality hit him hard. He'd never see him again. Johan was gone…

The dock was now empty, no people, no passengers no boat. Nothing. The streams of tears continued to fall as more and more memories of their time together came flooding back. He sat down on the grass, still allowing tears to run down his tanned cheek.

He didn't know a certain blonde girl was watching him, she became worried, he was crying a lot, and Judai hardly ever cried. Nonetheless she decided it was best to leave him to himself for a while.

Xxx

"Hey Asuka! Where's Aniki?"

"Oh, hey Sho… He's still upset about Johan leaving…"

"You gotta admit, they were pretty perfect for each other."

"I agree…"

"Like me and you Asuka-chan!"

"SHUT IT JUN!"

The arguing went on for a little while longer, but they all fell silent when Judai walked in, his cheeks stained with tears. They all felt sorry for him, he's finally found somebody to love and cherish, and that person left.

"Hey Judai, how ya feeling? Any better?"

"Of course he's not you baka!"

"I thought I told you to SHUT IT!!"

Sho walked over to the brunette, "I never really know what to say in these type of situations… I just hope you're okay…"

Judai couldn't even manage a smile as he looked as his best friend. A few more tears fell as he thought of his friends all together only this time without Johan. He turned around and decided he needed some time alone. Sho watched him leave, and then turned to his other friends who were still arguing.

"HAVEN'T YOU EVEN NOTICED JUDAI LEFT?"

That shut them up. They all fell silent and guilt washed over them, they were so engrossed with their own conversations that they hadn't realised Judai left.

The brunette managed to make it back to the Slifer dorms without shedding another tear. But as soon as the door closed behind him, he broke into sobs. He began screaming and throwing things around. He gripped his hair and fell to his knees screaming his lover's name. Eventually all the screaming caused him to lose his voice, he had cried so much there was nothing left to cry, and he'd thrown so much his dorm was a tip.

He got up silently, and walked over to the bathroom. On the way he trod on some glass he had smashed, causing the small shards of glass to press deeply into the sole of the brunette's foot. He flinched and sat on the bed, looking at the glass currently poking out of his skin, small trickles of crimson liquid slid down his foot, which caused a surprisingly nice sensation for the teen.

The physical pain took away the emotional pain. For a little while Judai had forgotten the sorrow he was feeling, as he took the small shards out more pain ran through his foot and it felt… good. The teen looked at the small cuts in his foot and smiled, he tried to laugh but his voice had gone. For once in his life he was content with the pain he was feeling. It was a new sensation that filled the teen with a sort of happiness that was only witnessed by maniacs and people who are mentally unstable.

Maybe that was him, maybe now his lover and only good thing in his life were gone, he's crazy. Maybe the emotional pain proved too much for him and he was having a mental break down. But he didn't care; he took the small shard of glass out and held it in his fingers. His brown eyes focused on the small piece of glass and his mind wondered off into a dream space.

"Johan has gone Judai, face it you're worthless now…" 

"_Yeah we only hung around with you because Johan was here…"_

"_Get over it slacker…"_

Judai snapped back into reality and wanted to rid himself of the pain that burdened him, only for a little while. He took the glass that was held between his fingers and pressed it against his wrist, his heart fought back, telling him that Johan would be mad at him for doing this, but he wasn't here… was he.

The brunette gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, then dragged the small shard along, pressing down with immense force. He felt the pain throb through that small area and it stung like hell. But it felt good; he opened one eye and looked down. His mind finally registered on what he was actually doing and he dropped the glass in shock. Blood. The thin trickles of crimson liquid ran down the sides of his arm and he knew he had to stop it.

But he didn't want to, the sight of blood comforted him somewhat. He knew it was wrong, if anyone found out they'd practically murder him for doing such a stupid thing.

Sighing, he got up and made his way to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and sighed. "I'm just going through a phase, I'll get over Johan soon…" his lover's name struck him and he felt like crying again. But he had to try and get over him; the brunette placed his arm underneath some cold water from the tap and watched the blood fade away. He pulled down his sleeve as far as it could go, just in case anybody came in.

He turned to his room again and decided he'd better clean up before anybody comes by. As he placed the things back, he picked up a photo frame that's were the glass had come from, the photo was his most recent of him and Johan.

The elder teen had his head resting on the brunettes and their fingers were interlocked. It sadden the brunette so much he gave up cleaning and held the photo close his heart, forgetting the glass would cut his hands a little and he began to sob again. Somehow a few tears managed to slip out, he sobs were raspy and made his sound like he'd cried forever, but none of that mattered to him. Eventually the crying and cleaning got to him; he fell asleep in the corner with the photo held close.

Little did he know who was walking down the path to his dorm. Asuka and Sho were both worried for their friend's safety. The girl was especially worried, she knew Judai inside out and knew Johan was VERY special to the brunette. As the two approached the door they couldn't hear him, and became even more worried, hoping he hadn't done anything stupid. Sho used his 'secret' key to get in and the two breathed a sigh of relief as they both saw the teen safe.

"Maybe we should clear up a little… Just to get one job off of his mind."

"Yeah I suppose."

The two whispered and began to clear up a little, Sho found the small pieces of glass and then looked at Judai, his arms wrapped round the photo protectively, as if it was his only memory of Johan. Sho sighed and walked to Asuka, who was currently in the bathroom, he stepped in the door and stopped when he saw he face.

Her eyes were wide and her mouth open a fraction, she seemed to be staring at the sink, but why? Sho walked over cautiously to the frozen blonde, and looked in the sink. He also became frozen as he saw what she must have. A faint layer of pink tinted the white enamel, it seemed to all be spiralling in one direction.

"Y-You don't th-think its bl-blood… do y-you?"

"I really don't know"

The two barely spoke above a whisper, why was there blood in the sink? That's when Sho remembered the glass on the floor; Judai must have gotten a small cut or something. That's it.

"Relax Asuka, Aniki must have cut himself on the glass from a photo frame."

"A-Are you sure?"

"Yeah, why else would that be there?"

The small teen gave her a reassuring smile as he walked out and into the brunette's main dorm. He focused on Judai's fingers, hoping there was some sort of cut. Luckily he saw a few gashes, only the size of a paper cut. He knew Judai wasn't stupid.

"Come on Asuka, let's go."

"Okay…"

They left Judai alone, they'd cleaned up a little and Asuka had washed the sink out. Both were content on Judai's safety, not realising what had really happened. When the door closed with a slight 'bang' the broken boy woke up, his chocolate-eye's fluttering open, when his vision was focused, he saw the room was cleared.

As he tried to get up, he noticed the photo in his arms. Looking at it brought him to a halt. _I have to stop this, Johan is gone… and he's probably forgotten about me already. _That thought saddened Judai even more.

He stood up and placed the photo on his desk. He stretched his arms over his head and caused the pull of muscles to open the wound again. He flinched and drew his arm into his chest. This had to be sorted.

Walking over to the bathroom he searched the cabinets for a bandage. Finally. As he wrapped the thin white cloth around his arm he looked at himself in the mirror. _What am I doing? _He shook his head of all thoughts and focused on meeting up with the others. He pulled down the sleeve of his jacket and took a deep breath.

His mind kept going back to the thin but deep line that now scarred his arm. _Johan would kill me… _the brunette stopped mid step and almost burst into tears again, as he looked to his left he saw the cliff that pointed towards the sea. Deciding he should take some time to himself, he walked closer to the edge of land and sat so his legs dangled dangerously off of the edge. As he looked out to the horizon the wind blew his hair and the teen allowed his mind to wander freely.

His memories came flooding back; as if it were a flashback of all the times he and Johan were together. A certain memory wouldn't leave the teen alone; one he had hoped wouldn't come back. _Judai-chan… I love you! _

He hadn't realised it, but a trail of salty water was left behind as a tear rolled down his face. That voice wouldn't leave him alone, the voice of his lover. He longed to hear it, to let it sooth him and send him somewhere else. Somewhere where love couldn't crush you and make you feel as if the world had ended.

But the voice he heard was memory, and there was no such place… not anymore. Judai had realised how late it had gotten, the sun began to set and it created a beautiful scene. It was at sunset when the two lover's shared their first kiss, and that was a memory Judai wanted to keep.

A few more silver lines painted the teen's face, but he didn't care, the wind blew his hair around and Judai wanted to do anything to rid himself of the pain that burdened him. He thought back to the cut on his arm, how it relieved him, how it made him feel happy for just a second. He knew it was wrong, disgusting in fact. But that's what it took, just to get rid of the pain.

He stood up and made his way back to the dorm, hoping nobody was nearby, as more thoughts of Johan slipped in and out of his mind his walk broke into a run, and more tears fell, blowing back through the wind. He was running from the pain, knowing when he got inside he could get rid of it, just for a while at least.

He slammed the door behind him; panting heavily he wiped the tears away from his face. Taking off his shoes, he asked himself _is it worth it? _Taking a deep breath he walked into the bathroom. There had to something sharp around here. He smirked when something sparkled out of the corner of his eye. A razor, Hassleberry must have left it when he moved out.

He took the blade and looked around, double-checking nobody would disturb him. He quietly closed the bathroom door and sat himself on the edge of the bath; rolling up his sleeve and taking off the bandage were the first steps. His brown eyes glazed over the scab already formed there, a horizontal line, not too far off his main vein. He swallowed hard, and brought the blade vertical, crossing the previous cut.

As the ripped the skin, he screamed. Blood oozed out, large rivers flowing down, making stains on the white porcelain and on his jeans. His arm was a mess, but it felt so good, he wanted more, just one more. Bringing the bloody blade to his wrist he cut again, away from the others, but this time lighter, but more painful. He scratched the blade along, pain bursting every time the cool metal hit his torn skin.

His arm was completely red. And he panicked; he dropped the blade instantly and stuck his crimson arm underneath the tap. Turning it on full blast he attempted to clear the blood away. He snatched a bandage from the cabinet and attempted to warp his arm, was the small amount of pleasure worth this?

His head began to spin, his vision a little blurry. He had to sort this out quick, once the bandage was done, he turned off the tap and turned to the bath, grabbing some toilet paper he began to scrub the pink tint that stained the white ceramics. He used anything he could find, soap, shampoo, even some spit. He panted heavily, most of it was gone, and all that was left was a small tint of pink that was barely recognizable as blood.

He took a deep breath and headed for his bed, just a small lie down should set his head straight. As he walked towards the bed he saw something move, turning his head rapidly he saw himself. _Just a mirror… even Johan said I was too paranoid. _Once again his mind turned back to the European angel.

He looked sadly at himself, pitying the fool who stood in front of him. His eyes widened when he noticed the dark red patch almost covering his entire thigh. _SHIT! _The brunette ripped the jeans off went to grab another pair. He was relived when he looked back in the mirror. Just like he used to be, he tried his best to smile, but he couldn't… there was nothing to smile about.

Looking at the clock it was 9:42 pm. A reasonable time to go to sleep, there was nothing better do to anyway. Hopefully by morning the blood will have gone. As he got undressed his memories plagued him again, the teen cried himself to sleep as more and more memories of his lover flooded his mind. During the night, the brunette tossed and turned, muttering words like 'no' and 'don't leave me'. Unfortunately for Judai he was experiencing nightmares, about Johan.

_It was cold and dark; the moon was full which gave the place an eerie feel. Judai was stood alone in the middle of a meadow he was confused and lonely. He called his lovers name, again. A few tears began to drop down his face, as the first tear dropped onto the ground it caused a ripple effect, the entire scene turned into darkness. The boy stood there in complete awe as everything around him turned black and died. He could only see grey and black, as he looked further into the distance he saw a white outline of a figure, Johan's figure. The teen screamed his name over and over, only to hear nothing. The figure turned whole, and Judai saw Johan standing in front of him, tears fell from his chocolate eyes as he tried to run and embrace the elder teen, but Johan stopped him mid step and looked at Judai coldly. "I don't love you anymore Judai, I never did. You were a simple mistake and I only left for Europe so I didn't have to break the news to your face. You're worthless to me, a nothing." Judai made no sound, no movement. Tears strolled off his face in countless numbers; he didn't believe what he had just said. Johan didn't love him? "N-No, no… You told me! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!" Johan's ice cold eyes looked straight into the watery brown one's, not showing any hint of emotion. "I lied, you're not perfect… you're nothing."_

Judai woke up screaming and covered in a cold sweat. His heart was racing and he was panting heavily. He was shaking slightly as he tried to figure out what had happened. _I-I'm not p-perfect enough? _He looked down at his figure; he was slimmer than Asuka he was tanned (not that bright orange plastic tan, but a he had a sun-kissed glow). He had the legs any girls would be jealous of and hair was always silky and fluffy. _What's wrong with me? Am I not skinny enough?_ In all fairness, Judai was underweight already. Even though he ate a monstrous amount he never seemed to put a pound on.

He didn't need to lose weight; in fact if he lost any more he would be seriously underweight. The only thing that was not beautiful about him, were the newly formed scars. Once again, tears managed to find their way out of his eyes, he tried to stop them, but there was no point they'd keep coming back.

He wanted to scream, to throw things around meaninglessly and to hit somebody. All this anger built up inside of him, and eventually it was drenched in sorrow and self-pity. He cried silently, begging the sun to stay down and never let the night end so he wouldn't have to face his 'friends'.

_Friends my ass! They haven't come to see me once… okay Asuka and Sho did, but they cleaned up the LEFT! Everybody leaves, they all lie, the leave me to slowly die in my own blood. _

Part of it was true. He knew he was over exaggerating but this is how he felt, his mind fought 'it's a phase, it'll pass' while his heart played 'he's gone, just give up and die'. It was a lose-lose situation. If he forgot about Johan or gave up and killed himself, knowing his luck the blunette would come back.

Judai managed to get himself out of bed, he looked on his cell phone and realised he had a message. As he read it his eyes grew wide, this was not fair!

_Hey Judai-chan, _

_I heard Johan left you… poor thing._

_Listen I know it sounds weird but_

_Since you no longer date that_

_Green haired bastard, I was _

_Wondering if you'd like to date me. _

_Love you loads._

_Edo._

"N-No… I belong to J-Johan-kun…" Judai had gotten in to believing that he was Johan's property. And he wanted to keep it that way, what way to children make it known to others that a certain thing belongs to them? They label it; write their name on it.

Judai was so shocked he could hardly think. He was Johan's and nobody else's, how dare Edo say something like that! What if the others thought this as well, _just because he's gone doesn't mean I'm not his! I BELONG TO JOHAN AND NO-ONE ELSE AND I'LL PROOVE IT!_

Judai was mentally unstable; in all this depression he hadn't eaten for two days and had made unsightly scars on his arm. The brunette ran into the bathroom and grabbed the silver and dark red razor blade, he sat on the floor and lifted the hem of his boxers, just enough to reveal some more leg.

As tears poured out of his eyes, like a never-ending stream, he cut into the newfound flesh. The cuts were different this time. The first was shaped like a 'J', and the pattern went on… O.H.A.N.

Eventually when the blade had sliced his leg into bits, he breathed deeply and tried to stand. Of course when you've just carved someone's name into your leg and it's bleeding so much you can't actually make out the cut itself, you're bound to feel dizzy.

Judai's head began to spin, his vision blurry and his leg had gone numb from the amount of pain the passed through it. The blood lost caused the brunette to collapse; his head hit the side of the bath as he fell.

Judai lay very still, his leg soaked in blood, the razor still in his hand. This was bad, very bad.

His friends were getting worried when Judai hadn't shown up for dinner last night; he wasn't at breakfast this morning either. It wasn't like Judai to miss out of a meal let alone TWO meals. Asuka and Sho looked at each other, worry both showing in their facial features.

"Maybe we should check on him… it's been a while."

"Yeah, I'll come with you…"

"Well Asuka-chan I have a phone on me so if you need me call!"

"What did I say yesterday Jun?"

"… I like your smell?"

"SHUT IT!!"

Asuka and Sho left the cafeteria and headed for the Slifer dorm. They walked along silent, neither of them really knowing what to say in a tense moment like this. Asuka was the first to reach the door, and found it opened with ease; Judai was always careless when it came to simple things like locking the door.

She walked in carefully, hoping the place was still clean. It was, although the bed covers seemed to be thrown on the floor. The blonde girl stepped in further, allowing Sho to come in as well; he searched the bunks and asked Asuka to check the bathroom. She was a little hesitant, but agreed.

Her scream was loud, her tears fell freely and her body froze. Sho came running to her side but fell to his knees and almost threw up at the sight of all that blood. Being the brave girl she was, she ran into the bathroom and knelt down besides the unconscious and bleeding teen, she placed the brunettes head on her lap and stroked it gently. At the same time she had whipped out her cell and passed it to Sho.

"Hey Asuka-chan what's u-"

"JUN GET DOWN HERE KNOW AND BRING HASSLEBERRY WITH YOU!"

"Why, what's happened?"

"YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU GET HERE! GET HERE NOW!"

"Oka-"

The phone was hung up before the rich raven could answer back; he grabbed Hassleberry and sprinted to the Slifer dorms, what ever happened must have been BIG. As the two ran along the path to the red dorm they saw Sho waiting outside the door, his face shone as if it were wet.

Jun and Hassleberry made it to the dorms and were both panting heavily, Sho didn't say a word but ran inside and pointed to the bathroom. The two looked in carefully, not sure what they should be expecting. Their eyes widened and they were horrified to see Judai lying on Asuka's lap with blood coating his right leg.

Asuka had tears steaming down her eyes whilst stroking the boy's fluffy brown hair and humming a sweet lullaby. The dino teen walked into the bathroom besides Asuka, he placed a hand on her shoulder and said that Judai had to be taken to the infirmary. She agreed and let the boy's head fall.

Hassleberry picked the teen up, he was slightly surprised at his weight, and Judai was as light as a feather. The blood on his leg had dried and stopped, they four ran back to the academy hoping that Judai was okay. Asuka burst in and asked for an emergency nurse, as the doctor ran around frantically dino-boy and the others came in.

A female nurse took Hassleberry and Judai to a spare room. The dino-teen placed his 'sarge' on the bed and was shoved aside by medics of all sorts, he was then pushed out of the room and into the corridor, his mind was still in shock, and he hadn't fully registered the event.

Jun and the others came running up to him, asking about Judai and wondering if their friend was okay.

"I don't know I was pushed out of the room."

"I wonder why he did that?"

"…"

"You guys are so stupid, isn't it obvious?"

"…Umm… well…"

"He's broken down, his emotions have gotten too high and he's feeling lost and alone…"

"Why?"

"DUH! Because Johan left…"

The boy's listen carefully to the blonde's words and all nodded slowly in agreement. But why would he go to such extremes? Nobody knew the answer to that. All four of them waited patiently in the corridor as the nurses and doctors worked their magic on their emotionally broken friend.

It seemed like forever until a nurse came out, she looked tires and had a grim look on her face. The four began to worry, she looked up and wiped her forehead, when her eyes made contact with the friends she smiled.

"He'll be fine"

Those words flew into their ears and they all sighed in relief, they were about to ask if they could see Judai, but the doctor coming out, also looking tired interrupted them.

"Oh, Hello!"

"C-Can we see Judai Please?"

"I'm afraid I need to ask you a few questions first…"

"A-A few questions?"

"Yes… Follow me please"

They were all a little reluctant to move, but Jun went and walked behind the man in the white coat. As the four entered a room that resembled a hospital, they all became a little uncomfortable as the doctor sat on a large revolving chair. (Like you see in James Bond films….–strokes pet cat evilly-

"Okay… I'm only going to ask a few questions, they're going to help me in trying to figure out why a boy like him would such a thing…"

"Umm… okay…"

"First: has he ever done this sort of thing before?"

"Not to our knowledge…"

"Okay…"

He seemed to write something down on a clipboard.

"Second: is he being bullied or picked on by someone?"

"No, the reason that he's like this is because he misses someone that he held close…"

"…Johan?"

"Ye- how do you know?"

"You see, his leg was bleeding badly because of several deep gashes he had made. These cuts were formed to make writing… the word was Johan."

Asuka, Sho, Jun and Hassleberry gasped in unison. Judai was a lot more depressed than they had first anticipated. And Johan was the cause of this depression; Jun became angry at the blunette. He was never close to Judai, but he was still a friend.

**Okay, first Chappy up!**

**Hope you all liked it!**

**I'm gonna do another Chapter soon… Hold On!**


	2. Chapter 2 Without You

**Okay... I know you waited for this chapter… but it's here!**

**KyoxSakiFan: I'm Glad I Was Able To Write A Fic You've Been Waiting For!**

**KellyQ: I Hope This Chapter Is As Good As The Last!**

**The Key 2 Eternity's Limits: Okay, Okay!**

Judai began to flutter his chocolate eyes, but had to squint them shut again because the light from the room seemed to burn them. He turned his head to the side and tried to re-open his eyes, this time without singeing them.

His vision started out blurry, but he could make out a figure sat in the chair opposite his bed. He had blue-ish hair and seemed to be wearing blue. His first thoughts were of Johan, but this thought only brought back sadness as more tears pricked his eyes.

His vision became clearer and he managed to see that blurry shape was in fact Sho, he was a little disappointed, but glad someone came to visit. _WAIT! Why am I in here?_

He sat up fast and regretted doing so. A throbbing pain burst though his leg, and a headache began to form. He grimaced and clutched his leg tightly, he heard the door open, but was in too much pain to look at the new visitor.

"JUDAI-KUN!"

"…Hn"

"Oh dear, please lay back down!"

"…B-But"

"NOW!"

The brunette did as he was told, trying his hardest to ignore the pain that was shooting through his leg. His shut his eyes tightly and bit his lip to stop himself from screaming out. He felt a small prick in his arm, and the pain began to fade.

It actually felt as if his entire leg had faded. It was completely numb. The nurse had helped him up, and he looked upon his sleeping friend. _How did he sleep through all that?_

He sighed and looked towards the ceiling. His mind wandered to more thoughts of Johan, the European angel just couldn't leave him alone. It was almost as if the image was haunting him, teasing him and forcing him to do drastic things.

Like carve that someone's name into your leg.

Judai looked down at the white sheets covering his legs and sighed deeply. _Why did I do something so stupid? I could have died!_ His eyes moved to the door as he heard voices talking loudly, a girl was saying 'shh' obviously trying to quiet the others down.

_Girl? _He thought, _must be Asuka… _he was right, her bright blonde hair poked through the edge of the door, and as her eyes fell upon the brunette she smile and walked over.

"Hey there…"

"Um… Hi?"

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah…"

"Is anything wrong?"

"Yeah…"

"What, what's wrong?" concern now dripping off every word she spoke.

"Why are you talking to me really funny?"

"Oh, Well… I'm worried about you…"

There was a long silence between the two before Jun and Kenzan poked their heads through the door, a little more comically than Asuka, but with the same principle. Judai smiled weakly at the two as they walked over to his bedside.

"So… why'd ya do it slacker?"

"W-What?"

"JUN… SHUT IT!"

"Wait… What do you mean?"

"He means nothing Judai!"

The brunette became very self-conscious as Kenzan and Jun wrestled around, the taller and bulkier male obviously trying to get the raven to quiet down. Judai wasn't convinced with 'he means nothing' they knew about it… _they brought me here! OH GOD!_

"You know… it's a funny story, you see I was kinda… well there was a. Um…"

"Judai?"

"Hn?"

"You don't need to tell us…"

"Oh?"

"A therapist was in while you were out, he told us that this was normal for a person in your condition."

"Condition? Asuka I'm not crazy!"

"I know Judai, we never said you were…"

"I think you're crazy!"

Both the dinosaur-man and Asuka clamped their hands over the rich-boy's mouth and smiled sheepishly at their bed stricken friend. A moan was heard and Sho was seen rubbing his eyes.

"Finally woken up?"

"Yeah it was a good- ANIKI?!"

"Yeah…"

"I'm so glad you're okay!"

"Thanks"

A few tears were visible on Sho's face as he hugged the life out of his 'Aniki'.

"Come on guys, I think Judai needs some time to get better…"

"We'll come visit later okay?"

"Sure…"

The brunettes fake smile faded as the door closed with a soft click. _They all know… what if they tell Johan? What if he thinks I'm stupid and then never talks to me again? What if he hates me? _A thousand questions burst through the brunettes mind and he silently began to sob, he shoulder started shaking and tears spilled, decorating the sheets with wet polka dots.

He heard the door slide open and quickly wiped the tears away, sniffed a couple of times and tried to blink away the remaining tears that threatened to fall. He looked at the white door as it began to open, hoping it wasn't one of his friends.

"Good afternoon Judai-kun, are you feeling better?"

_The nurse…_

"Yes… Thank you… and thank you for this morning, guess I didn't know how badly I had... well… you know…"

"No problem my dear… I'm just going to do a few routine checks and give you some antibiotics, then _maybe_ I can let you go…"

"REALLY?"

The nurse smiled sweetly and checked the teen's stats. She hummed to herself whilst she ran two fingers over his wrist.

"80 bpm… good!"

Judai was thankful he was getting better. God knows how he'll cope when the word gets round the school, but that will have to wait. As the nurse pulled the blankets down Judai felt a cool breeze run under his legs, causing him to shiver.

"Sorry…"

"Huh? Oh it's okay…"

The nurse began to unwrap the bandages currently encasing his leg. Judai watched carefully, a little scared to see what marks he had left behind, but curios to what so much pleasure had done to him. As his legs began to feel air, and the bandages became thinner, the brunette's adrenaline began to rush. Making him feel dizzy and slightly nauseas.

His chocolate eyes widened at the letters. They were so clear, so neat and very visible. With a deep sigh he looked up at the ceiling.

"Hmm… you're a very quick healer."

"…That's good… right?"

"Of course!"

Judai wanted to smile, but saw no reason to. So he was a quick healer… big whoop. It only meant he could do it again and would recover quickly. His facial features saddened as he thought of writing his lovers name on his chest or something, he could feel the tears threatening to blur his vision, but he refused to let them fall.

His brown eyes fell upon the neatly placed letters etched deep into his life, his life wasn't complete without his European angel. The nurse watched as the brunette fought back the tears, she felt touched by the boy's love.

"It's okay to cry you know…"

"…Yeah… I know…"

"Love's a tough thing to handle, you'll never find the one you truly love… it's just a myth"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

"Wha-?"

"JOHAN-KUN IS THE ONE I LOVE! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME!!"

The brunette screamed loudly, calling other nurses and various visitors to his room. Judai tried to make a run for it but his leg was still numb, and running was proven difficult. The nurse caught the boy's wrist, persuading the not unstable teen to lie back down. She had obviously never met Judai before.

He struggled against her strangely strong grip and fought against the force holding him back. There were small tears that had slipped out of his tainted eyes and he wished he could just run away, away from the infirmary, away from the Academy… away from life.

Judai broke down and fell into a heap on the cold tiled floor, he sobbed freely and buried his face in his hands. The nurse tried to give him a comforting hug, but the brunette wouldn't allow her to touch him.

**000**

**Ooooohhhhhh… So Judai Won't Let Anyone Touch Him?**

**He Seems A Little Depressed Don't'ch'ya Think. **

**Please R&R**


	3. Chapter 3 Notes And Poems

**Okay... Thanks To All Who's Reading My Fic!!**

**Nyanyaneko: I Updated As Fast As I Could!! Hope You're Not Dead!!**

**KyoxSakiFan: Lol! Poor Nurse! And Where The Hell Did You Get The Shotgun From??**

**KellyQ: Hmm… He Might Come Back… He Might Not… -evil laughing-**

**By The Way, There Are Some Hidden Lyrics In Here, To Anyone Who Knows The 'Good Charlotte' Song: 'The River' Then You'll Find Them But I Have Adapted The So You May Not Recognise Them Fully!**

**00000000000**

Judai was in a state; he was shaking violently and wouldn't allow anyone to touch him. When people got near he would flinch and turn away from him. As his bare skin pressed deeper against the cold tile floors he wished he could just run away from everything.

Or that Johan was here.

His tears fell to the ground below him and he struggled to keep his sanity. Why was this so hard? In all of these years he had never something so strong. Judai had never experienced a love like this; his family was never that close. When his mother died the brunette never heard of his father again.

The nurse was currently trying to coax Judai into bed. He shakily stood up and walked over to the bed, he placed his hands on the rim of the mattress. He slyly looked to the left at the nurse, and then… he ran straight of the door. The nurse panicked, but left him.

Judai had nowhere to go, he didn't care though and he just ran. Tears were streaming down his face, and the people he passed gave him odd looks but none of that mattered. Nothing mattered.

Nothing… not even life itself matters when you have nothing to live for.

Judai ran to the Slifer dorms, burst in through the door and froze when he saw his friends. He was out of breath, dizzy and slightly sick of course not forgetting the immense amount of pain that was throbbing in his leg with every heartbeat.

Sho, Asuka, Jun and Kenzan looked at him for a while, all a little shocked to say the least, before Sho sprinted up from his seat bombarded Judai with questions, whereas Asuka was a little more polite and told Judai to sit down. Then Kenzan looked at him with a serious look and felt his temperature.

Judai didn't know what to do this wasn't supposed to happen. Nobody was meant to be here so that he could die alone. He simply stared into space and he was checked over once, twice and three times.

He had no idea how ill he was, with every second in this depression Haou got stronger, causing him to do ridiculous things. Judai wanted to curl up and die, why was that so hard to do?

"Judai? Judai… can you hear me?"

"… W-What… Oh… Y-Yeah…"

"Seriously Aniki… you should be in the infirmary…"

"No! I mean I'm fine... honestly…"

None of them believed him, he could tell. His eyes gazed down towards his wrists, which were neatly folded on his lap. He tried his best to think of something positive. His mind was so full of hurtful and horrible things that positive were a myth.

"C-Could I have some time on my own?"

"… Well- Sure…"

Judai was a little surprised that they let him stay on his own. As his 'friends' left he went to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and gasped, he looked a mess. He was pale and he looked dead. His hands shakily went up to the cupboard in search of something sharp.

Nothing, those bastards had taken everything. No razors, no knives and no pills… it was empty. Judai growled in frustration, and for a second his eyes flickered gold. The brunette stumbled backwards as thousands of whispers ran through his head.

Judai was shocked to say the least; there were voices in his head. The whispers were fading and he slowly sat down on the bathtub's rim.

He sighed, and figured it was a figment of his imagination. He walked into the main room of the dorm and sat down at the desk, grabbing a piece of paper he began to write:

_Suicide: _

_The intentional taking of one's life._

_A person who takes his or her own life._

_To kill (oneself)_

_Johan…_

_Asuka, Jun, Sho, Kenzan and anybody else…_

_I hope you all have a lovely life; I hope that everybody will forget me and erase me from your minds. _

_I never wanted to inflict pain on you; you've been through so much crap since I met you especially you Johan._

_I hope you never forget the love you gave me, and I'm sorry for wasting it, you were special to me and I'll always hold you close to my heart… if I haven't ripped it out already… Johan, I want you to remember that I'm dead, and it's not because of you. It because of the pain I went through when you left me. I loved you so much I couldn't live without you… literally. _

_I took my own life so I wouldn't have to suffer one more second without you. I loved you… but you should move on with your life rather than pitying the one I've lost. _

_It's pathetic I know. _

_Judai…_

The brunette hadn't noticed the wet splotches the now decorated the paper. He was crying? Judai wiped away the tears that fell and placed the note to one side. He was bored; with no sharp objects around to inflict pain on him…it was boring. 

He decided to write something, a poem maybe… yeah… a poem.

Automatically his hand moved, as if on it's own accord, even Judai was a little amazed that he knew what to write without thinking. It was only a little bit, but there was something; lifting it up he read it aloud to himself.

"As I walk through the shadows I see my life's in disarray,

The footsteps that where next to me have gone there separate way,

I've seen enough now to know that beautiful things don't always stay that way,

I've done enough now to know this beautiful life aint always how they say.

I heard that evil combs the skies,

Like a city of angels… I'm walking towards the light."

The brunette was shocked this was good. He had always liked writing poems and stories, but this was really good, especially for a first attempt. The brunette nodded in agreement with his work, but was knocked out of his state of achievement when there was a knock on the door.

He didn't want to answer it, why couldn't they all just leave him alone. Judai looked at the door, but didn't move.

"Aniki! Open Up!"

Why does he sound so cheerful? 

"Judai… We have a surprise for you…"

Judai still didn't move, he didn't want a surprise; he wanted relief, sanctuary and peace.

"… Come on slacker we went to a lot of trouble getting this… thing… delivered. So open up or I'll personally break your door down…"

The brunette sighed and slowly walked over to the door, he rested his hand on the handle and paused… he began shaking violently and just couldn't stop. He collapsed on the floor and he began to writhe in pain, all the self-harming cuts he had made began to bleed and sting.

The pain was unbearable and Judai was forced to close his eyes shut. He attempted to climb up onto the door, his brown eyes flickered gold over and over again and standing was proving difficult when your wrists are bleeding uncontrollably.

He began to groan in pain, but he was strangely satisfied. This pain-filled sensation was pleasing him and it was an amazing ecstasy for the teen.

The others outside heard the 'thump' of something collapsing, they then heard a groan. They all began to panic. Jun slammed the door a couple of times, in an attempt to get it open, but failed miserably and the only thing he gained was a dead arm.

That's when Kenzan took charge he burst in the room with one ram. They all stood shocked at the figure, which was now passed out, lying in his own blood.

**0000**

**Okay... Here's The Next Chapter… Hope You All Like It… Please R&R, But No Flames… They Make Me Feel Sad… ******


	4. Chapter 4 Reunited

**Woo!**

**Thanks To All The Readers! And Here's The Next Chapter!**

**Heavenstar72: I Kinda Though Judai Was A Little Too Emo, But Oh Well… It Made A Good Story… I HOPE!**

KyoxSakiFan: Will Jun Or Kenzan Beat Johan Up? Who Knows… 

**IluvroxasXII: Lol, Yeah Poor Jaden!**

**Mekishika: Hehe… I'm A Girl, And Thank You… I Hope That Kitty With A Chainsaw Isn't Gonna Kill Me … .'**

**000**

There was nothing but darkness, at first Judai thought he was dead, that he had finally escaped the nightmare of life.

He heard voices, some he recognised and others he didn't. There were those whispers again, they were stronger this time and more frightening. Judai was finally accepting he was scared when he felt his eyelids get heavy. As he forced them open, strong, white lights burst into his vision.

_I'm not dead?_

"Judai…hear...?"

"Aniki…awake?"

Judai could only hear parts of sentences, and was struggling to stay awake. These voices where familiar, and slowly he turned hi head to see his 'friends'.

"Judai? Are you okay?"

"…Umm… I-I thinks s-so…"

"Aniki! You scared us so much!"

"I-I did?"

"Judai… would you like your present now?"

"W-Whatever…"

His brown eyes widened in shock at the thing that just came through the door. He began to cry and held his head in his hands. There he was, that false image of the European angel. They were teasing him, they wanted to make him suffer, they wanted to make his life worse than it already was by bringing a fake Johan in.

Judai felt a hand on his shoulder, as he looked up he was met with two beautiful emerald eyes.

"Judai-chan… calm down…"

"NO! YOU'RE NOT HIM! NONE OF YOU ARE!"

His eyes flickered gold a couple of times, scaring the crap out of the others and also the nurse.

Johan was shocked, but he had to show Judai that he was the real Johan, and he only knew one way. Judai began to cry again when he felt a hand on his chin his head was lifted and his sobs were silent as a pair of lips connected with his own.

"Judai-chan… it's me… I promise…"

"Johan-kun, y-you're back?"

"Yeah… for good."

The pair kissed again, courtesy of Johan. Finally Judai didn't feel the need to ruin his life, he was so happy. Pain was no longer his ecstasy… Johan was.

Two months later 

Judai was released from hospital a few weeks after Johan came back. He was so happy, and the others could tell that he was truly happy. He smiled truthfully and was always with Johan when he needed cheering up.

Jun was angry with Johan, occasionally he'd whisper threats into the blunette's ear and sometimes he'd 'play' fight with him. Asuka and Sho were glad that he was back, now Judai had nothing to worry about.

Judai had apologised for his actions and his behaviour. In all honesty he felt embarrassed more than anything. The scars remained and always would be a reminder to Johan of the pain he had caused his lover, the word 'Johan' engraved on the brunette's leg was the worst… but Judai had made a promise to never hurt himself like that again.

There was still one problem that the brunette couldn't figure out. What happened with Haou? Well the answer is simple. Ever since that whole 'suicide' incident Haou was able to flicker through Judai's strong hatred and anger. But luckily, now Johan was with him hatred and anger was a rare thing to feel.

Judai contemplated his thoughts as he sat on the roof. The place the pair shared their first kiss.

And now…

The pair was officially going steady.

"Judai-chan!"

"Oh… Johan-kun what are you doing here?"

The blunette kissed his lover tenderly.

"What? I can't come up and see my angel?"

"Yeah... well… without wanting something." Judai smirked at his comment, and Johan's face was pretending to be hurt.

"Well… there is _one _thing I'd like…"

"Oh yeah?"

With that Judai pulled Johan in for a final kiss before he was picked up bridal style and carried off to the Slifer dorms.

Who knows what for? I'll leave that up to you…

End 

**000**

**Thanks For All Who Read My Story!**

**This Is The Last Chapter So I Hope The Ending Wasn't Too Much Of A Disappointment… Personally I Hate It But I Have A LOT Of Coursework To Do And My History Teacher Is Banging On At Me… So I Had To Get This Done Fast… GOMESAI!**


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